When I first moved to the downtown area from Petty Harbour in the spring of 2015, I was terrified. I’d become accustomed to my quiet haven and couldn’t imagine living in Town where the buildings closed in around me. It was just a short 15 minutes away, but I dreaded not knowing the people I'd walk by each day.
Shortly after that move, I started going to the Rocket Bakery each morning. I’d sleepily push my way through the door around 7:30 AM and order my usual: large light roast and a cinnamon roll. I took comfort in the routine.
After a few weeks, the staff started knowing my order by heart. They’d greet me with a smile each day and ask how my life was going.
They had no idea how much it meant to me. Sometimes when I felt extra lonely, I’d go down in the evening just to see a familiar face. So when Christmas rolled around, I wrote a card trying to explain how grateful I was for their existence. I was embarrassed, but wanted to thank them for what they’d done.
Sometimes it’s really hard to see the good in the world. News of Trump, abuse, the failing economy, racism, bombings, and more, are constantly in our faces. People shout at each other from both sides of the spectrum, hoping each other will smarten up and see their point of view.
And sometimes, our brains are so full of fog that we can hardly see anything but the ground in front of us. We put one foot in front of the other, trying to push through the depression, anxiety, and stress of our own lives.
I’m one of those people. On Saturday afternoon I curled up in my bed and tried to drown out the noise of my brain even though my house was silent and empty. Leonard curled up beside me and meowed occasionally to remind me that I was loved.
If I’m being perfectly honest, sometimes it’s hard for me to see outside of my own misery. I definitely struggle with depression, but there are times in my life where I know part of the problem is that I’ve stopped trying to find the good.
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I told myself that something had to change. It was okay to be depressed, I told myself, but I needed to start appreciating the people and the good in my life.
And so began a few days of going over my appreciation for people who haven’t been selfish. People who are good, kind, and generous—people who prove that the world isn’t as bad as we sometimes claim.
Like Shelley, who on Saturday morning, invited me out for a walk in the sunshine. As we walked with Brigus she offered her listening ear and never-ending encouragement.
Then there is Ashley who never fails to pick up the phone, even when she’s busy. The person who showed up when Jean passed away because she knew that I needed someone.
It’s the person who answered a few weeks ago when I was sinking so far into the fog I wasn’t sure I could drag myself out. They told me that if I needed them to come out, they would be there. That person had plans, but was willing to drop them to help.
It’s the person in my life who, even though we believe very different things, doesn’t judge me. Who wants to talk and let me live my life even though I’ve hurt them.
There's Karen who always takes a few seconds to say hi to me at the waterShed and lets me buy extra cookies so I can have my fix during the winter.
It’s the countless people on Twitter who’ve DM’d to say they have a listening ear and are cheering for me. I've deleted Instagram and Facebook, which has been so much easier than I expected, but I find myself always wanting to stay on Twitter. They've accepted me in my loneliness. There are some days where the only people who know what I'm thinking, are those few who send words on encouragement. Critics talk about the addiction of approval -- but I don't feel that with Twitter. I feel like I belong in a strange little world. There have been many people who've made a huge difference. In small ways like sharing joy from their corner of the city and in big ways like letting me know I'm not alone.
It’s the friends who shoot you a text after months of silence and say that they’re thinking of you.
It’s the people on the street who give you a smile. It’s the bartender who makes a joke and makes you feel a little less silly for being there alone. It's the cashier at Belbin's who memorized my account number and told me that I was now a regular.
There's the girl on my dodge ball team who turned to me two weeks ago and told me she was having a birthday get together. "I'm inviting the entire team." she told me. "You should come!"
How in the world could I tell her how much that meant? Dodge ball is something I have this crazy love and hate relationship with. I'm the worst player on the team and I'm always mortified at my skills. However, when I get over myself, I'm so grateful to be a part of it all. It feels so good to get out with a group of people my age and just have fun. They cheer when I'm the last one standing. We high five each other. We do our three hip hip hoorays.
I usually leave with a huge smile on my face. A huge feat in the middle of the foggiest of days.
It might all seem like small things—things in passing that seem normal because we’ve started to take them for granted in our lives.
But really? They are huge. If you're reading this and you think that your smile, your kind words, or your small acts of care are useless... think again. This post might seem cheesy, but I'm writing it because in the middle of everything, all these things have shone as bright spots in my life.
A month ago I got a message from a woman named Kayla. I'd been off Twitter for a week, and she'd noticed. She reached out to ask me if I was okay, but then mentioned that there was a trivia night and asked me if I wanted to go. I know NOTHING about Disney (the theme of the night) but I agreed to do it because I knew that I needed something to look forward to.
In the two weeks leading up to the event, I was a mess. Last week I was going to bed as early as possible even though I couldn't sleep.
But I knew I had to be okay on that Monday. Perhaps this seems silly to anyone reading, but it's a big deal to get up for things when life is crushing you. On Monday evening my stomach was churning. I walked through the doors of the building and scanned the crowd for Kayla. She raised her arms and waved me over.
The next two hours were spent on remembering everything we could about Disney. I knew almost nothing except for two answers (yay!) but it wasn't about that. It was about what amazing people they are. They didn't know me all that well, but they were nice anyway.
I drove home feeling a lot less lonely, and a lot more grateful.
Today was not a good day. The sunrise was beautiful, but disappointments at work kept hitting me. I didn't want to focus on the good.
So I forced myself to do this blog entry.
Yeah, life is tough and some people are cruel, but there is so much good. There's so many more people that I haven't mentioned.
Sometimes we can't find the good within ourselves, but I think it's always in others.
*Title is from the song 'Good People' by Great Big Sea